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The first blow job I ever gave (after methodically groping my way past all the bases) was an act of faith. After finally figuring out how to manually manage my boyfriend´s strange vestigial organ-how to brandish, manipulate and handle his distended, tumescent pink love shaft-I now had the daunting task of having to figure out how to manage it orally. Lick? Suck? Use your hands? If only the how-to books that exist today existed back then.

“Put both hands into the L position around the base of the shaft,” says “Sex Tips for Straight Women From a Gay cum facial Man.” “Lick the whole tip and then use your tongue to lick up and down the sides. Covering your teeth with your lips, and keeping your mouth taut, glide the blowjobs inside and lick the sensitive spot underneath with both the tip and flat part of your tongue . proceed down the shaft as far as you can go in one fell swoop.” And on it goes. It includes tips on curiosities like dick whipping, hummers and tinglers, plus advice on how to breathe. (Men may fear the cavernous tunnel that leads to the primordial soup of the womb, but cum facial women risk death by gagging.)

Milk products also make cum chunks notoriously nasty because of the “high bacterial putrefaction level,” asserts Sexuality.org. Other edibles that sexperts consistently label as bitter wad wreckers (and that I haven´t already mentioned) are red meat, broccoli, cauliflower, Brussels sprouts, greasy food, spices, coffee and chocolate. Chemically processed liquor creates an extremely acidic taste, but naturally fermented beverages like sake and Rolling Rock or Honey Brown beer give spunk a sugary taste. Tobacco is also guaranteed to gross out one´s goo.

What makes a man´s emission yummy? Pineapple, claims Lexx.com. Kiwi cum facial fruit and