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My final inquiry was to William Fitzgerald, Ph.D., of the Silicon Valley Relationship and Sexuality Center. “Bill” warmly and promptly delivered a huge load of info. Cum´s metallic taste, he explained, is due to its zinc ingredient, and “diabetics tend to have a honey or cantaloupe taste, most likely due to the spilling over of excess sugars in the body.” When amino acids in certain foods are broken down, he continued, it´s possible that the resulting products end up in the cum. Asparagus´ curse, for example, could be that “methionine is broken down and methyl mercaptan is produced . cum facials tgp with its awful odor.” Nicotine and certain drugs can also “be deposited in genital organs like the epididymis and seminal vesicles.”

OK. All right. I memorized all my notes. If anyone knows how to make his spunk scrumptious, it´s me. All I have to do to get the tastiest tube on earth is to subsist eternally on the sap of 12 stupid items that bore me to death. I´d do it, I decided. But then, I felt a sudden pang of evil hunger, a repulsive yearning inside my gut for asparagus and mayonnaise with slabs of greasy, spicy beef cum facials tgp and a giant glass of chocolate milk.

My cum will stink forever, I sighed. But so what? I have options. I can yank it out and spew on the sheets. I can continue my mortified apologizing. I can offer my lover a strawberry Life Saver to suck on to combat the upcoming stench. I can try to discharge on the back of her throat: no taste buds there. I can tell her I love her: Romance sweetens reality´s putridness.

But give up my favorite foods? No way. Ain´t gonna happen. I´ll never stop swallowing asparagus, even if it cum facials tgp means I´ll never get swallowed.