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I began my research by telephoning the busiest cocksucker I know: Trebor Healy, a gay poet who has praised slurping in paeans such as “Dick Prayer,” “The Big Cock Candy Mountain” and “The Star-Spangled Boner.” Trebor informed me that “organic vegetarians taste the best, and those who drink plenty of liquids put out a better consistency; the dehydrated lad can get a bit thick. Also, a man whose mouth tastes good will always have delicious cum, while a foul kiss leads to less-than-fabulous cumshots.”

Trebor´s report depressed me, because I´m neither vegetarian nor an avid imbiber of beverages. cum sucker My next call was even less reassuring. Al Lujan, a blowjobs-bobbing writer, performer and filmmaker, said that the first cumshots he swallowed tasted the best because “it was dispensed from a 15-year-old kid who lived off candy. My following experiences left me with the impression that the older you get, the nastier your cumshots tastes. Ah, sweet spurt of youth.”

I´m 48 and I never eat sweets, so my phallus phlegm is getting fouler every day? I decided to stop querying gay guys immediately; my survey swiveled instead to wide-jawed women.

Ex-porn star Annie Sprinkle established her expertise cum sucker on the topic when she modestly mentioned to me that she had “swallowed the cum of probably over 1,000 men.” Her wholesome opinion-“vegetarians have sweeter cumshots than meat eaters”-echoed Trebor´s frightening analysis. Sprinkle also suggested that “smoking, drinking, drugs and asparagus negatively affect the flavor.”

Sex surrogate Tara Livingston of Los Angeles received my next panicked call. Shrewdly, she stalled my self-disgust by conveying only the cumshots taste enhancers: “plums, nectarines, oranges, lemons, limes, parsley, cilantro, spearmint, peppermint, grapefruit and green tea.” Unfortunately, I don´t nibble on any of that sissy stuff.

Sex writer Katy Bell-who says she cum sucker has “slurped the milky way from California to New York to Mexico”-ticked off three nutritional tips for a mellow ejaculate: hard candies, gallons of apple juice and fruit. But her must-be-avoided list was far lengthier, and it included all of my favorite foodstuffs: asparagus, chicken, garlic, onions and dairy products. Egads! My dream menu is an abomination.

A quick Yahoo search of “taste of cum” info sank me further into self-revulsion. Asparagus popped up incessantly on my screen like a sprouting forest of the slender green shafts; it´s unanimously the worst culprit in causing stinky cum. This plagued me cum sucker because I eat entire phalanxes of the delicious spears every week-big, fat battering rams and skinny arrows; I slather them all with mayonnaise and cram them into my maw, even the stems.